Friday, January 04, 2008

Ah, there's nothing like a good giggle

Here's a version of the story of Queen Esther that I just read recently. I LOVE it! Good job, Daniel!

PURIM....The Story Sexy Queen Esther

A long, long time ago in a place far, far away a man and a woman had a woman child. She was born into captivity in a place also known as Iraq.

One day King Whose-name-we-won't-pronounce-because-it's-way-too long and everybody else is white, so we'll just call him King Daniel. This King Daniel was married to Queen Vashti a.k.a. Kristi. One day King Daniel wanted a late night snack and asked for his wife the queen to go make him a pie in the kitchen.

This is what she said: "Hell no, I know that you don't think I'm some kind of fool. Did you not see that I got my hair done today? And I know you're not asking me to get my hands dirty. I gots to get my beauty sleep, so you can get your own pie."

Then King Daniel was furious and said: "Hit the road, Jack." And with that he threw her to the curb and threw all her clothes on the front lawn of the palace.

So now King Daniel was on the rebound and still wanted his pie. So he decided to have a beauty contest with all the hot ladies in the land. So the King sent P-Diddy to go look for all the ladies he could find to be the new queen of Persia.

All the girls were given 1 year to pimp themselves out and finally when it came time for the beauty contest, there was none more pure and more beautiful than Hadassah, cousin of Mordekhai. Not only did she win this beauty contest, but she was also a Jew, but it was hidden from King Daniel.

After laying eyes on Hadassah, who would later be known as Queen Esther, King Daniel said "I like you". Then Hadassah said "I like you too". And then the King was like "Let's get married" and she was all like "I'm down with that". And with that, they were married. And they were supposed to live happily ever after, except there was this dude named Haman who decided he was somebody he was not.

One day, Mordekhai, cousin of Queen Esther, snuffed Haman the wrong way and Haman was like "Oh no you didn't" and Mordekhai was like "Uh Huh, you know it". And with that, Haman said "you better watch your back". And then Mordekhai was like "My God is better than you, so you better watch yoself".

So then Haman tricked King Daniel and told him that all the Jews living in his Kingdom were defiant and trying to take control of the worlds money. So King Daniel made a law that was irrevocable in those days that all the Jews should be killed because of their defiance.

Then Mordekhai went over to Esther and said "They want to kill us. You were born for such a time as this, so don't be silent because they're going to come after you too." And Esther was like "Huh?" And Mordekhai said "let me put it this way, Haman be some kinda' Nazi and he think he some kind of Hitler tryin' to mess you up. So you better hurry up and tell the King to get his boys to cap Haman's (@$&%*#)."

So then she was like "OK" and she fasted for 3 days and asked the God of Israel for help. And God was like "I won't let them hurt you because I love you".

So then, it was illegal to go before the king unless you were summoned in those days. But Queen Esther knew that God was with her and her people Israel, also referred to as the Jews, So she went before the king with the attitude that "He can kill me, but not before I make my point". So she went before the King, and the King decided not to kill her, because King Daniel is a King of love, sort of like Shaq. She asked the king "Take me out to dinner". And he was like "Any time".

Then, while they were at dinner she asked for another dinner, because she was really hungry because she had fasted for three days and the first dinner gave her the runs, so she couldn't ask the king what she wanted to ask him. Then she told King Daniel about what Haman did and the King was like "Oh, Hell no!". So then the King had Haman killed and gave all the Jews living in the land weapons to defend themselves, and thus, Israel was saved.

Thanks to Sexy Queen Esther.



Blogger Steve S. said...

That was great, is that the new one? ...Eugene Peterson's translation?


Sun Jan 06, 12:38:00 PM 2008  
Anonymous Katea said...

HI Emily,
How are you?I just found your blog and I think it is SUPER!! Anyway I am a 12th grade student and I like english a lot.So I
thought you might know anything of English Club or organisation here in Chisinau.Please send me a message at 69117905 to get in touch.THANK YOU.K

Fri Jan 18, 07:55:00 AM 2008  
Blogger Patrik P said...

What at great story, and what a great way to tell it!

Thu Jul 10, 11:03:00 AM 2008  

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